The Expectation of Degredation

18 Sep

Today I was walking up the stairs to class (at a campus that’s a little more sketchy) and there was a guy leaning on the railing at the top, obviously ogling me. This was no boyish “stop and stare” gawking, no, this was straight up “You are a piece of meat and I’m hungry” look. Not unaccustomed to this, I gave him a steely glare and walked by.

Then I thought about this as I sat in class. Why on earth am I so accustomed to this? Furthermore, why do I EXPECT IT?? Why do I have to be on the defensive everywhere I go just because I have a butt and boobs. This sounds crude, but isn’t this issue? That guy had no shame undressing me with his eyes. So I have no choice but to assume he also would have no qualms about doing it with his hands.

Because I am a woman I have to live in constant fear. And at best I can hope that I can be lewdly looked over with no further offense. I HAVE TO EXPECT TO BE DISRESPECTED AND BE OKAY WITH THAT. Because staring at a woman like a piece of meat isn’t illegal. Putting her on the constant defensive isn’t a crime.


An (Un)Expected Journey

07 Sep
New Arabian Nights...
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It is Friday night and I have completed the first week of college. It’s been a natural yet surreal process all in one. Not like community college is all that exciting – I’m not even moving away. But today after Music Theory I we all went to a meeting for the faculty to greet the music majors and to inform us of our opportunities.

Music major – that was the first time anyone had addressed me as such. It was as if the world outside of my nurturing high school bubble had finally recognized me for what I have been claiming to be. I finally had been heard.

I am so very excited to be studying in the best junior college music program in the state. I want to learn everything. To wrap myself so thoroughly in music studies that live and breathe it. It won’t be hard. Being a community college, there is no real socialization. Nobody cares about me. It can be rather lonely but at the same time it is refreshing. Nobody knows me, nobody has expectations or demands, and everyone takes me seriously. It’s a fresh start. And a healing one.

People seem to think they can just take their leave from my life whenever they please. It doesn’t matter how much love I pour into those closest to me, because even my very best can’t make them stay. I don’t know how my heart became a revolving door and my life a cheap overnight motel. Residents leave without saying goodbye, without paying for damages.

Even the ones who have stuck by me through it all are literally leaving me. They have their own college journeys as well. I wish them all the best, and already can’t wait for Thanksgiving break when we can see each other again. Today in the meeting it was stated repeatedly, “music will never leave you.” And thank God for that. Because God and music are the only things that will never let me down.

I am very excited for the next four or so years of my life. I feel purposeful, having decided in what direction I will be adventuring. Keep me in your prayers, there is always an unexpected journey to be found.

Scholarship Essay – Subject: Self Esteem

09 Jul

Self esteem is the subject of many a high school flick and Disney Channel sitcom. It is said to be achieved by “believing in yourself” and by having the right friends. Developing healthy self esteem and identity is generally the pressing task at hand during one’s adolescent years. Though “believing in yourself” is a great start, I have learned that self esteem is built from so much more.

I believe the foundation for self esteem is integrity.  One can never have a healthy self esteem without having the respect to deal with oneself and others with honesty. Possessing integrity builds trust between people and creates a reputable image. Especially throughout the adolescent years, integrity is a valuable possession. Not only is it a drama-repelling virtue among peers, but a noteworthy character trait in the eyes of adults who will be instructors, mentors, employers and other pivotal figures in a young person’s life. In my own experience, I have learned that a strong sense of integrity has given me confidence in my decision-making and judgment skills.

I also have found that self esteem is created when one pursues an activity and takes the time and effort to achieve proficiency. When I was thirteen I raised my first lamb for market in my 4-H club. It took me years of exhibiting but through years of combined achievements and failures I found I had tremendous self-esteem for myself because of my efforts and dedication. I found this same principle applied in other areas I pursued as well. Whether it was winning public speaking competitions, achieving excellent grades, or having the honor of singing twice for my high school graduating class, the fruits of my labor are continuously building my self esteem. Now that I am moving on into the “real world,” I have a healthy pride – an awareness of my worth. I attribute this security to the years I spent investing in my self esteem.

As a college freshman, many new challenges lay ahead of me. Now I must begin my early stages of adulthood. I admit I have insecurities and fears. There are many transitions to traverse and many new responsibilities to face. I however, am not unduly daunted. I have proven to myself and others that I am a value-creating individual. This healthy self-esteem is what I will rely on and continue to build as I journey into college, my career and the rest of my life.



04 Jul

what fool was I to think

that you who could have it all
would want the only thing I could give


28 Jun

Don’t let me play with makeup and webcams unsupervised…


noun – an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident